“Grown-up Grilled Cheese Panini:” Muenster, cheddar, and bacon with basil garlic mayo on multi-grain bread.  Sounds good, right? What’s that? Can’t see any of that awesome stuff in the picture? Hrm. Funny, I didn’t taste any of that stuff either. Maybe it’s invisible bacon?  Maybe, (since Bistro 212 is attached to a gym) they’re trying to promote healthy eating? At any rate, this was a (hilarious) disappointment:  from the soggy, downright used-looking sweet potato fries, to the decorative orange garnish. Where to begin? First of all, let’s start with the name. There was nothing grown-up about this sandwich, nor was it by any stretch a “panini.” Clearly, the fellow holding down the fort on this day has no idea what he’s doing. I should have been tipped off when we were the only people in the whole place – or maybe when we were grossly undercharged at the counter, or perhaps when he apologetically muttered “we’re really low on everything,” as he set down our food. This was one slice of cheddar on multi-grain bread. And tiny. I gave it a 3/10, but it’s only because I have a sense of humor. . . . and because the oranges slices were divine. ($6.50?)

“The Ultimate Grilled Cheese.” Take note, Denny’s – this is how it’s done: melted cheddar, jack and american cheeses, crispy bacon, and FRIED FUCKING PICKLES on three slices of sourdough. (Mind-grenade, right?) In the interest of full disclosure, fried pickles don’t exactly come standard on this thing…but not only did the waitress not even bat an eye, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even get charged for them. (See “Fried Dilly’s” on Hudson’s appetizer menu.) Well, I won’t keep you in suspense, it was EPIC. Perfectly grilled, soaked in butter, cheeses falling out of it on all four sides….and mmmm pickles. I could only eat half. This was a guilt-inducing 10/10. I might be ruined for the others. ($7.99)

The “grilled cheese and soup” special – american on wheat. Let me start right there. Now, maybe I’m off base here, but I was a little perturbed to discover they’d made my sandwich on wheat bread without asking me. (Don’t misunderstand me – plain old white bread is not my preference…but it IS the standard, like it or not.) This sandwich was tiny and dry, and a ‘kid’s-menu-grilled-cheese’ in every sense. I knew going in that it was nothing special, but still had some expectations. Fortunately, I had chicken dumpling soup to dunk it in – which was actually quite good. I try to be fair when I order sandwiches take-out, (styrofoam is not kind) but it was an eight block drive. I’m not grading on a curve for that. To be fair, I ordered this over the phone without a menu. What I was actually after, was their “deluxe grilled cheese,” which sounds super tasty. (There is hope for redemption!) Had I known it was their $2.84 kids menu grilled cheese, by my very own rules, I wouldn’t have ordered it. This was a disappointing 2/10. It’s important to note, though, my co-worker had their burger and house fries and raved that they were both scrumptious.   ($2.84)

The much anticipated “FRIED CHEESE MELT.”  Four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. I was pretty amped up to eat this thing, especially after all the “bad” press it was getting. (See ‘scapegoating-fitness-crazies’ in the Blogroll.) Who would have thought a reject from the kids menu with 4 mozzerella sticks jammed into it would evoke adjectives like “beyond gross,” and “disturbing?” Really, man. Get a grip. The sandwich was good. TREMENDOUSLY salty, though. The bread was pretty unremarkable, and not really appropriately sized. (There was a fair amount of sandwich with literally nothing in it.) Dare I say, it could have used MORE cheese – but I thought the marinara was a nice touch. I gave it a 7/10. Ultimately, I wouldn’t say it lived up to all the hype, but I did find it a pretty nice value at 4 bucks.

The “Grown-up grilled cheese.” Swiss, provolone, cheddar, and grilled peppers and onions on sourdough. Looked great on paper, but it just didn’t come together. Cheeses were ok, but everything else was really unremarkable. Veggies were still crunchy. I gave it 5/10. (Ok, so it probably didn’t deserve the 5. I may have been swayed by hipness and ultra modern furnishings. That may have been a factor.) ($7)

The “Deluxe Grilled Cheese.” Both the size of the sandwich and proportion of cheese to bread was just about right. It had several kinds of cheese, which is a must for me. Sadly, the grilling was pretty spotty, (barely grilled on one side) and the grilling agent was definitely not butter. Icky after-taste. I rate it a 4/10. ($3.99)

Smokey gouda, sharp cheddar, basil pesto, and applewood bacon on wheatberry-grain bread. This was pretty tasty. I wasn’t in love with their pesto, (it was a little bit processed for my liking) and the whole mess was bordering on soggy. However, the bacon was top notch and the cheeses were melty and plentiful. Overall, a solid 7/10. (On a side note, these fries are a 9.) ($9.50)

This is the holy grail of grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s made from THREE slices of house-made bread, white cheddar, mozzarella, gorgonzola, parmigiano, roasted garlic and chive aioli. It’s as sophisticated a grilled cheese as I have ever eaten. Despite the social implications of the SERIOUS garlic on this sandwich, it’s definitely a 10/10. Go get one right now. ($7.99)